Wednesday, January 10, 2018


    I wish it all a nightmare to awaken from, but it is all to real.  As I lose our home this battle with Lyme seems to have beaten me up at every turn. The victories come with a whole set of new challenges, many physical, many mental and frankly much that is simply too bazaar to try and explain.

  Disability that I desperately sought and received, first time on my own was a huge blessing at the time. Thank God for relief of suddenly overcoming the immense anxiety of being flat broke. The realization of absolutely no money is simply impossible to comprehend unless you experience it. Exactly much like Lyme, it is impossible to comprehend unless you live it. Yet once you acquire the disability insurance it the joy dissipates to the feelings of uselessness to one your family and two to society. My handicapped sticker is not a badge of honor I display proudly. Quite embarrassing if I were to be quite honest. The realization of being truly disabled took me some time. It's denial at first, then it is the slow agony of learning you are truly disabled. the smallest of tasks completed is akin to climbing a mountain. The pain and agony of letting your wife and daughter down is unbearable. I am so truly sorry for this.

   Family has become our greatest adversary. The plain cruelty is extremely harmful to my wife and daughter. For me it comes as no surprise. I can only surmise that the devil has surely taken over their being. You would think they have no other life but evil. But reflecting a bit more, a few have no life to speak of. Idle minds is the devils workshop, this certainly holds true in our case.

    While my most horrendous symptoms are settled down, my body and mind are left lacking. Much of which has come from western medicine. In this so called world of modern medicine anyone suffering from chronic pain is declared depressed. SSRI's are given for pain. Surely it is all in your head, a chemical imbalance they say. But I'm hear because of a botched knee replacement, severe pain in my knee and foot. So I'm given an anti depressant, how can I ever thank you doc. Maybe I will try putting them in my sock. Next visit the old PA switcharoo now I get another antidepressant and my range of motion in my foot is due to lack of effort. Nothing like a pompous a__ wanna be. I can't count the number of times I've played this game.

   I'm writing this to remind you that we are all in this cruel reality together. We are simply disposable now that we are not producing for the rest of the world. Yet I believe by joining all the victims of modern medicine together under one umbrella we can change this corrupt abusive medical system many of us face.   There is one thing for certain is that they'll be where we are one day.

                                         You ready to rise up yet?

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